Read time: 3 min • 7/4/16 • by Michael
Your partner is afraid.
And that's ok.
You can help.
As a child, teenager or adult, being neglected by someone once loved may have instilled a real fear in your partner's heart.
A fear that you'll eventually leave too!
And because of the fear of being neglected again, your partner needs to feel protected. Your partner's thoughts and actions could push your relationship to the brink of extinction.
Yes, you read extinction.
Because of this fear, your partner may create scenarios that aren't real, but the feelings from those thoughts can feel very real.
And that creates arguments and tons of unnecessary questions.
So, what does your partner do to feel protected?
There are 2 ways, really.
People protect themselves from the possibility of being neglected again by:
There's only one outcome for relationships like this: a sinked relation(ship).
Although the relationship with your partner could be on and off, it never has to be because of you.
Not saying you're perfect, but think about the following...
What could it mean when your partner leaves you because of fear? If you didn't piss off your partner, your partner's own thoughts may have created real actions that became the reason for the break up.
Follow me?
And what does it mean when your partner gets back with you whether you initiated getting back together or not? Well, for starters, why would anyone get back with someone who doesn't treat them right?
I know, I know...
Some people go back to someone who treats them bad, but for MOST PEOPLE, if someone didn't find you valuable, there wouldn't be a first or a second time.
Let alone, a third, fourth or fifth...
How do you deal with someone who always finds a reason to leave you?
You can't stop your partner from leaving.
Bribes won't work.
Your partner's mind is made up.
He or she thinks, you will EVENTUALLY leave.
And that's that!
There IS a way, though.
Your partner is afraid, and that fear has nothing to do with you (unless you're the cause of the neglect. You're not though, right?). Realistically, the only way you'll have stability in your relationship is if your partner no longer fears being left.
Counseling COULD help.
But that could be costly.
What about something free...
...like (maybe constant) reassurance?
We all need it.
You need it.
I need it.
Some more than other's.
It makes us feel secure in our relationship.
So, you have a choice to make.
And there are no guarantees, but all you can do is all YOU can do.
You can either give your partner constant reassurance that you're here to stay and no one—I mean no one—has your attention, but your partner.
Or, you can say this isn't worth the effort and end it for good.
If you are aware that your partner is doing nice things for you because of the fear of you leaving, and you use that to treat your partner less than what's deserving, because deep down you know that you're partner won't leave, ever.
That won't be cool.
That's manipulation.
Don't do that.
Promise me you won't.
Instead, let it be known that its fine to not do nice things for you ALL THE TIME. Don't say its because you know its because of fear, because you won't get a response; you'll get a reaction and you don't want that.
Again, your partner needs reassurance.
Give it.
Just like the words, "I love you."
If your partner had a bad dream last night that you left, you would hear "I love you" in the morning (or through a text message) just so it can be heard or read. That's reassurance that the dream isn't a sign of what's to come.
Words from the right person are powerful!
In the end, you can communicate and see how you can lessen the fear of being left. If your partner stays, great! If your partner wants to leave and come back, leave and come back again, ask yourself how long you're willing to tolerate that.
— Mike
Relationship Coach
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